


sleep on the floor

by shewhoisntnamed44



Category: Raven Cycle - Maggie Stiefvater
Genre: Adam goes to Harvard yay, Angst, F/M, Fluff, Grief, M/M, Mentions of past abuse, Ronan leaves, Self Acceptance, Self Esteem Issues, So much angst, extremely self indulgent, i hope the timeline makes sense, no Noah or opal I'm sorry, post gansey's death
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-11-05
Updated: 2019-11-05
Packaged: 2021-01-23 19:15:54
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 6,231
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21325276
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/shewhoisntnamed44/pseuds/shewhoisntnamed44
Summary: "I miss him," Gansey tells him that night, glasses resting low on his nose, cheeks flushed, Blue's asleep inside. They're drunk enough to reminisce."I know," Adam says, head resting against the sofa, eyes heavy."So much.""Iknow," Adam says again and his voice cracks, because what else is there to say?
Relationships: Richard Gansey III/Blue Sargent, Ronan Lynch/Adam Parrish
Comments: 21
Kudos: 177





	sleep on the floor

_ "Cause if we don't leave this town_  
_We might never make it out_  
_I was not born to drown, baby come on." _

_-Sleep on the Floor, The Lumineers_.

Seconds pass like minutes. Minutes pass like hours.  
Time is a slow moving species.

Or maybe he just appreciates it more, sees through the fine mesh time has woven of the past few hours. Seeing Gansey take a ragged breath, Blue crumpling over his body, Ronan sliding down next to Gansey, hands reaching out to touch his friend's, as if he's seeing Jesus crucified.  
Feeling the relief which flowed into his veins like a drug, like a tap which had been opened, when he saw life enter Gansey's eyes.

He shuts his own, trying to block the pressure building behind them.

_Alive alive alive._

That's all Adam feels.

Somehow, after lost kings and lost friends, it is enough.

The ride back to Monmouth is quiet.  
Words are useless when your friend's just conquered death. 

#

Gansey opens the door, and the sense of familiarity which runs through his blood is enough to make his hands tremble.

Ronan takes a deep breath, offers a bullet of a smile and walks into the bathroom, shutting the door behind him.

Some part of Adam's brain registers this, knows he should check on Ronan but the rest of him is screaming at him to lie down.

"What now?" Blue asks.  
"A future," Gansey replies, looking at her like she hangs the moon.

Adam goes into Ronan's room and collapses on the bed, exhaustion written in his bones.  
He shuts his eyes and lets everything disappear.

#  


Ronan feels raw, scratched. He slumps against the bathroom wall, shuts his eyes. The way Gansey fell, his king, the favourite part of him. The acute stillness of his body, how closely it resembled Aurora's and Niall's.

Gansey's near death seems to have caused a fissure in his heart, his parents pour out.

Does a child ever get over the death of his parents?

He remembers one night, a few months after Niall had died. Him and Gansey, alone on the hood of the BMW, Ronan with a beer in his hand and Gansey with words in his.  
"Grief," Gansey had said, semi-drunk, acting as if wisdom was etched into his skin, "I believe, is what makes you stronger."   
He had flinched not even a second later, realising what he'd said.  
"Say that when your fucking father is beaten to death with a tire iron," Ronan had replied, immediately downing the entire bottle.

Ronan gets off the floor, the same fire which encourages him to press the accelerator just a little harder igniting his bones.  
There's something unsettling, itching under his skin. Something wants to break out, there's a sharp sense of wrongness.  
He washes his hands and face in the sink, trying to wash away everything that's happened. It doesn't work.  
He leaves the bathroom, sees Blue and Gansey curled up on the couch. 

He walks into his room and sees Adam asleep.  
Adam.  
His heart curls. He wants to stop. Just stop time and life and everything which can be stopped just to live in this moment. This moment, in which walking into his bedroom and seeing Adam Parrish in it is not unusual. He wants it to be a regular occurrence.

He blinks and it's over.  
The moment is shattered glass, splinters sink in every part of him.  
The sense of wrongness persists. He's hopelessly alone again.

#

Ronan dreams. He dreams of hornets and the watch on Gansey's wrist. He dreams of his mother's crushed body and his father's eyes, blinking, blinking, blinking. 

When he wakes up, Adam Parrish's fingers are fitted in his. This dream is his favourite.

#

A week passes. Two weeks pass. Time is still a blur, a snail.  
Gansey is trying to act like he didn't die. Adam is back at his multitude of jobs.  
Blue's back to being Blue.

Ronan Lynch is still pretending. Pretending he's trying, because nothing else is working.

Sometimes, he feels himself go silent, like a light bulb shutting down.  
He goes to St. Agnes at night. It houses most of his reasons.

When his demons chase him out of Adam's bed, he drives.  
The open road, the wind blowing through his ears, the nothingness he feels as he rushes past a stop sign, is the only thing which helps.

He is alive with the memory of his father on those nights.  
Niall Lynch, who stroked his hair and wiped his tears when he was six and had scraped his knee while riding a bike.  
Niall Lynch, who danced with his mother in their living room without any music.  
The husband who never saw Aurora's face crumple when he called to tell her he wouldn't be home for a few more days because of work.  
The father who never paid much attention to his eldest son, even when Declan orbited around him like he was the centre of the goddamn universe.

His father was a rose plant, beautiful from afar, red and blooming. Up close, the thorns pricked.

For Ronan, his father's death was a scab he purposefully picked every day, wanting to see it bleed just so he could forget how he got it.

His mother also scratches the walls of his mind on those nights. Her smile, her eyes, all of it. Every piece of her being is stark and clear.

He doesn't know what to do. Doesn't know how to begin feeling again without falling apart. He showers and eats and smiles like war when he can and he pretends and he pretends and he pretends.

Every day, Henrietta reminds him of the things he's lost. Every day it bites deeper into his skin  
Gansey, Adam, Blue, they all notice. And they help as much as a person can possibly help someone else, but it isn't enough.

So he does the only thing he can think of. Once the idea forms, it refuses to disappear.

He leaves.

He takes his phone, car keys, a bag filled with clothes and his credit card. Chainsaw's claws dig into his shoulder. He feels like a broken man and maybe he is one, he thinks as he closes Monmouth's door.

He leaves a note on Gansey's desk. 

_I'm sorry,_ it reads, _don’t look for me. -R_

#

Declan's face looks haggard when he meets them and Matthew isn't smiling.  
"How could he be so selfish?" Adam hears Declan ask angrily, when they're all in the living room of Monmouth.  
"It's not selfish, it’s self-preservation," is Gansey's answer.

#

A month passes. Gansey refuses to move anything in Ronan's room, as if he's died.

Adam feels detached. He accepts it. He understands what it's like, to need to leave everything behind, to shrug off the past like a coat and build a new life elsewhere. He knows how much it fucking kills to be reminded of everything that's hurt you every single day. He can't blame Ronan for leaving.

It doesn't matter that Blue's bitten her nails till they're sore and Gansey can't sleep through the night, that Adam's taken on another job and works himself to death. It doesn't matter, as long as Ronan is going to be fine.

  
Two months pass. Adam gets into Harvard and the happiness it incites is the most he's felt in a long time. There's a burst of pride, of painful satisfaction when he sees his name on the letter. Accepted with a full scholarship. It makes everything stop for a second and he tries to fight off tears.

He goes to Monmouth to find Gansey and Blue, who's practically moved there. Blue immediately hugs him and he feels the heavy, perfect weight of Gansey's hand on his shoulder. They have dinner while watching a movie and Adam can't stop smiling.

He feels like the best version of himself with them, the one who makes Blue laugh till she cries and lets Gansey relax. Gansey's tried to find his Next Big Thing but nothing has stuck yet. He's content with exploring old churches and rail roads for now.  
Blue's planning to join a volunteer organisation this time next year, maybe, but not without more research.

When he's back at St. Agnes at night, he dials Ronan's number.  
He shouldn't be surprised Ronan's not picking up, he hasn't the hundred other times Adam's called him, but it still feels like a punch to the gut.

He gets into bed.

It's only in the dark, when everything is quiet and concealed, that he lets himself indulge, lets himself think of everything that could be.  
How if Ronan were here he wouldn't be lying alone in his bed, he'd be in the BMW with Ronan's hand in his. He'd be getting kissed.  
He thinks about how this could've caused trouble, the whole long distance thing. Boston was almost a 10 hour drive from Henrietta, he'd have to fly back, which he wouldn't be able to afford and Ronan would ha-

He realises he's missing the problems he never got to have and it's pathetic enough to make him fall asleep.

#

Harvard is enlightening in the way that it doesn't fix all his problems. He isn't suddenly happy or less tired. He just _is_.

He's living in a house with three other people. He studies a lot but so does everyone else. His new friends force him to go out almost every night and he discovers that he doesn't hate alcohol as much as he thought it would.  
It makes him loose, languid in a way sobriety never lets him be, like his bones turn to liquid and everything softens. It makes him miss home.

Once after six shots when he's back in bed, Adam thinks he's crying. There's no sound coming from him, just an unending flow of tears. This crushing feeling of being utterly alone takes over him and he tries to shove it in some dark corner of his heart.

There's something terribly known about this feeling, it reminds him of nights spent alone in his father's trailer.  
He's distinctly aware of his deaf ear, of the scar near his collarbone left by a broken beer bottle, of the slight dip in his cheekbone caused by his father's fist. The rare times he saw his mother's smile, that moment when he was six and his father was proud of him for something he can't even remember, the time they got him skittles for his birthday.  
The tangible taste of blood fills his mouth and memories of an eye swollen shut forcefully remind him who he was.

Nights spent just like this in his small room at St. Agnes going over every horrific detail in his head till he doesn't feel like a person, just a collection of blood and bones.

He removes his phone from under his pillow, it's almost 2am but he dials Ronan. It rings- once, twice, on and on. No one answers. He throws his phone across the room, knowing that the carpet won't crack the screen, and tries to stop fucking crying.

#

It's when four months have gone by that the anger settles in. The fact that Ronan hadn't sent one message to indicate he was fine, that he was fucking alive. How he'd just left them all behind with a cowardly note. That he had the luxury to leave.

Gansey and Blue visit him once before leaving for their vacation in South America.

Blue doesn't leave his side throughout the trip; she knows that they're leaving him behind. Some small part of him stings that they're going too, that he'll be abandoned once again. He lets her be as close as she wants.

  
"I miss him," Gansey tells him that night, glasses resting low on his nose, cheeks flushed, Blue's asleep inside. They're drunk enough to reminisce.  
"I know," Adam says, head resting against the sofa, eyes heavy.  
"So much."  
"I _know_," Adam says again and his voice cracks, because what else is there to say?

  
Blue fusses over everything, she tidies up his closet and threatens to murder him if he doesn't call. He thinks he sees her wipe away tears when she has to leave. Gansey hugs him hard and promises to call every single day. He smiles, that secret smile he reserves for his favourites, the one that lets you know that he's died for you and would do it again, in a heartbeat.

It's enough for Adam to let them go.

#

During the fifth month, Adam buries Ronan deep inside his brain. He makes himself not think about him. He forgets and is completely fine. He operates on a schedule, classes then work then homework. Maybe watch a movie or catch dinner if any of his roommates want to. It's the only way he knows how to fix himself.

He wakes up in the middle of the night once from a dream he can't remember. Just a feeling like his chest was sinking in, like his heart wanted to escape his body and his hands are shaking. He felt vines choking him but when he touches his neck there's nothing there. He leaves the room on unsteady legs.  
He doesn't even try to call this time.

#

He gives his finals early because he's exhausted, Boston drains him. He goes back home.

Boyd gives him his old job. St. Agnes is empty enough to make his landlady lease his old apartment to him for only a month. Just like that, everything is the same.

He realises he's missed Henrietta and its small shops and dirt roads. He's missed it terribly. He also hates it in a way someone can only hate their home.

He's driving past Monmouth after work and his heart stops in his chest.

The orange Camaro is standing in the parking lot but so is a black BMW, one he hasn't seen in months.

#

It's as if his brain short circuits because he suddenly finds himself outside the door, hand raised to knock.  
Ronan Lynch opens it. It's like seeing a ghost and Adam feels light headed.  
"Adam," he says and Adam can't gauge anything from his expression. He doesn't know what to say. Ronan steps aside to let him in.

"_Ronan_," he says, hand reaching up to touch Ronan's face. There's a tear in reality, this must be a dream.  
"When did you come back?" he asks him, forcing the words out of his mouth and takes his hand back. It's the hardest thing all of a sudden, looking at Ronan Lynch.  
"Last night."  
  
He looks the same, leather bands around his wrists, hair shaved. Adam thinks his heart will give out if it doesn't stop beating so hard.

"I thought you both were going to come back next week," he directs this question to Blue this time. He should be happy right now but he feels like he’s sinking.  
"We came back early," she says as if it isn't the most obvious thing. The three of them in Monmouth, without him.

"You're back early, too," Gansey presents it as a fact but it feels like an accusation.

He takes a deep breath. Tries to think. There's something unsettling about the stillness of everything that's nagging at him. The way Gansey is not meeting his eyes, the vague way Blue is answering his questions. How Ronan is still standing like a statue near the door and has barely said two words to him, Blue and Gansey still on the sofa. How this whole thing isn't a joyous reunion but a tense one. Gansey's supposed to be overjoyed Ronan is back, eyes shining with a wide smile. He tries to push down a thought but he can't.

"It's not the first time you've come back, is it?" he asks, staring at the small antique clock Gansey had bought a year ago. It's too old to work.  
"No," Ronan says because he doesn't lie.

"He called me three months ago," Gansey says and his stomach is acid. It's disconcerting, how terrible he feels in this moment. He thinks he'll throw up if he doesn't leave.

He steps away from them all.

"You knew where he was? All this time?" he says, despising the way his voice cracks at the end of the question.

_You came back to them and not me_, is what he won't allow himself to say.

Gansey's expression crumples into one of agony, his collected facade slipping every second.

"You knew, too?" Adam asks Blue, hating how she isn't saying anything.  
She looks away.

And then there's hurt, so much hurt which is welling up inside him, if someone dug a hole in his chest they'd find an infinite reserve of sadness staining his insides.

He feels like he's being ripped open. He's breathing too fast, his mind is blank. It only takes him a minute to shut down; he's done it a million times before.

"Okay," he says and his voice sounds empty. He can't let himself feel.

Ronan takes a step toward him. He looks better, Adam notes. Healthier if not happier. The dark circles under his eyes have reduced considerably since the last time he saw him.

"Adam," he says again.  
He's saying Adam like he means _sorry_.

Adam needs to think.

"It's not their fault, I asked them t-"  
"Don't.", Adam says, expression so fierce that Ronan Lynch flinches.

And a word comes to Adam's mind then, one which he thought he'd left behind with Glendower.

Adam looks at all of them again.

Gansey doesn't look as kingly with his shoulders bowed, guilt and shame etched over his features.  
Blue doesn't look as fierce when her eyes brim with tears.  
Ronan doesn't look dream-like, doesn't look particularly other, he just looks sad.  
They all look so, incredibly apologetic he can't fucking stand it.

He remembers his first day at Aglionby, stepping into a classroom and not knowing anyone.

_Lonesome_.

He's in a room filled with strangers, again.

"It's good you're back," is the only sincere thing he can manage to say.

Adam turns around and leaves, closing the door with a quiet click.  
Even when destroyed, Adam Parrish would not destroy.

#

He doesn't let himself think about it on the way home because he doesn't want to crash his car.

He goes home and tries to understand. Tries to let his brain spill.  
Three months, Gansey and Blue knew where Ronan was when they visited Adam.  
Every conversation he can remember is running through his head, wondering if he’d missed any clues about Ronan being back. If he was so engrossed in being miserable he didn't notice.  
He wants to leave, pack his bags and go back to Harvard. The irony is not lost on him.   
_Who did you think you were?_  
He wants to stop thinking but it's a wound he can't stop pricking, a sick form of self-flagellation.

His head’s so ugly it fucking aches. He doesn't know how to make it stop. He digs his knuckles into the wall beside his bed, feels a tinge of pain.

He sees papers and books scattered on his table, remembers hours and hours spent doing homework with a bruised cheek. He gets to work.

#

There's a knock on his door that night and he knows who's there.  
He'd spent the whole day studying, trying to push everything into a box and bury it in his brain. It’s worked till now. Every feeling he's tried to avoid comes rushing in, his heart panics.

He opens the door and Ronan standing there makes him want to fall apart.  
Millions of times, he's imagined this. Taking Ronan’s hand and hugging him. Being mad at him for leaving but not enough to stop himself from kissing him, from making him tell Adam every single detail of the past six months.  
The arch of his eyebrow, the sharpness of his cheekbones. Neither of them says a word.

His eyes follow the hand Ronan runs over his shaved head.

"Can I come in?"  
"When are you leaving again?"  
"I'm not."

So he has to deal with this, eventually. Adam's never run from pain.  
Ronan steps inside.

"Jesus Christ, were you studying?"  
Adam shrugs, he's not exactly in the mood to talk.  
He feels like an outsider in his own house.

"Can you say something?" and there's something in Ronan's voice, in the tightness of his shoulders which betrays how nervous he is.  
"What do you want me to say?"  
"Get fucking mad, don't do this whole quiet thing," Ronan says and Adam's missed him so damn much. There's so much he wants to say.

Adam sits on his mattress, presses his palms into his eyes till it hurts. Ronan's boots moving across the floor is the only sound he can hear.  
"Stop that," Ronan sounds pissed.  
"I'm not even doing anything."  
"Exactly."  
"What the fuck do you expect me to do?" and he's angry now, it rises up in his throat and makes his hands shake. He wants to get out of his own skin.  
"I know you're upset and mad so act upset and mad," the boots stop pacing.

"Why didn't you tell me that you were back?"  
"I couldn't," it's infuriating how Ronan's not even looking at him, how he's looking outside the window. Adam knows it's all an act but now's not the time for it.  
"Why? Am I just not important to you? I mean I get it, but I thought you-," and he chuckles and cuts himself off.  
_I thought you cared_. He feels like such a fucking joke.

Ronan's still not looking at him.  
"Just go, Ronan. Tell Blue and Gansey I'll call them in a few days."  
"Is that why you think I'm here?"  
"Either tell me or get the fuck out."

#

He hadn't wanted it to happen this way, to have Adam find out this way.  
In every scenario he'd imagined in his head, he knew Adam would be hurt but he thought it'd be fixable.  
He isn't sure about this one.  
This Adam turned all his afflictions inwards, as if he deserved it all, it was his fault for not expecting it. Ronan loathes himself for it.

It still burns, everything he feels for Adam.

Ronan sits next to him on the mattress and he can't bear how close they are. How it's the closest they've been in months.  
"I told Blue and Gansey not to tell you. I made them promise," Ronan fidgets with his leather bracelets, snapping them against his skin.  
"I got arrested three months ago for driving too fast. I didn't want to call Declan."

"I was in Atlanta, spent a night in jail till Gansey came. He said he wouldn't bail me out if I didn't come home."  
"You've been here three months?" Adam's looking at everything but Ronan.  
"No, I left after a week. Couldn't stay here. Gansey made me promise I would text him every day."  
"Did you?"  
"Sometimes, they didn't know where I was most of the time," he says, trying to make it hurt less.

He sees Adam's hands dig into his knees, hair pushed back in a mess. It feels like something is stabbing Ronan in the stomach, repeatedly. He can't bear to look at Adam.  
"Why didn't you call me back? Send one text? I didn't know if you were fucking alive." Adam's looking straight at him, trying to dig something out of Ronan.  
"I wouldn't be able to leave again," and it's a secret he's giving away so easily, just for Adam.  
"Jesus Lynch you think I'm selfish enough to make you stay? Who the fuck do you think I am?"  
Ronan can't stomach the thought of being _Lynch_ again. He takes Adam's hand in his, expecting him to snatch it back. He lets Ronan open his palm, run a finger over the crescent marks left by fingernails dug too deep.  
"You're not getting it," Ronan says frustrated, he's never been too good with words.  
"Then make me," and Ronan senses Adam's going take his hand back and he's so fucking weak he holds on tighter.  
"I couldn't let you go for the second time. It was hard enough before."

And it was. Actually having something he had wanted for years and leaving it behind. He thought he'd imagined it all, sometimes. The fact that he had kissed Adam Parrish, had held his hand, run fingers down his ribs.

"Where did you go when you weren't here?"  
"I just drove. Stayed in motels for a day, sometimes weeks if I liked it."  
"Did it help?"  
"Yeah. I think I needed to get away for a while. It's the only way I could come back."

He sees Adam take this all in, processing information in the quiet sort of way Ronan's seen a hundred times before. He's assembling facts, practically writing a report in his head. Adam's thoughts have always preceded his actions.

"Would you have told me that you'd come back three months ago if I'd not found out this way?"  
"Eventually," and it's the wrong answer because Adam takes his hand back.  
"Fuck you," Adam says, hurt and anger spreading over his features.  
"I need some time to think about this."

And this scares him because what if Adam realises he doesn't want him?  
"Do you know how much time?"  
"No," and Adam's gaze could tear him apart and he'd do nothing about it.

It feels like an end.

#

A week passes and Blue's waiting outside his door when he's back from work.  
"Hey," she says when she sees him, following him inside once he opens the door.  
"What's up?" he asks as if everything's normal, as if he hasn't been ignoring her texts.  
"Nothing," she says, just as casual. She sits at his desk, flipping through his books.

"So how was South America?" he asks her, going over to his kitchen, which is almost smaller than his bathroom. He removes a packet of bread and some tomatoes, puts a pan on the stove.  
"It was really good, actually. It's unbelievable how different it is."  
"Did Gansey offend anyone?"  
"Surprisingly, no. There was one time though where he mistook a stranger for our tour guide."  
He cuts half a tomato, his bread is almost toasted.  
"He's bought so much shit. Everything's a fucking souvenir with him," she sounds fond. "He got you some."  
"Thanks," he says, knowing he's not going to accept anything.  
He removes a plate and assembles his sandwich.  
"Do you want half?"  
"No thanks, I just had dinner."  
He starts eating and the silence is palpable, forced. He's starving and the sandwich is gone quickly. He knows he can't make another one because that'll mess his food supply for the whole week. Instead, he drains a bottle of water. Blue's still at his desk.

He goes into the bathroom to change and when he comes out she says, "So let's talk."  
He leans against the bathroom door.  
"You first," he tells her.

"I'm sorry," and he's expecting her to go on but she just sits there looking at him.  
"And?"  
"Nothing. I'm just terribly sorry."  
"So Ronan tells you both not to tell me anything and you just go along with it? Since when have you listened to him?"  
"It was bad this time, Adam. He was falling apart," she says, agonized, forcing him to understand.  
"And I wasn't?" he asks bitterly, selfishly and she doesn't have an answer for that.  
"Tell me how to fix this," she pleads.  
"Leave me alone," he says and some sick part of him relishes that it hurts her.  
"Come with us for lunch tomorrow, please," and Blue looks broken enough for him to say, "I'll think about it."

#

Lunch at Nino's is awkward. He's sitting next to Ronan and it's like he's in high school again. He can see the bitten fingernails, can feel the nervous bounce of Ronan's leg.

Gansey's talking too much to make up for the lack of conversation.  
"You're back again for the summer, right? We can all go somewhere for a few days, the beach maybe?"  
"Actually, I don't know if I'm coming back," he says and immediately takes a bite of his pizza.  
"What?" Blues says and he can feel everyone's eyes on him.  
"My college roommate is thinking of renting an apartment in the city for the summer, he doesn't have anywhere to go. It's too expensive for him alone, so he asked if I wanted to join him."

Gansey's gaze is inquisitive. Adam feels like his soul is being searched.  
"Is this because of us?" and just these words make Adam feel angry because it is, he is running away.  
"No. It's just more practical than renting my apartment in Henrietta for three months," he's always been good at lying.  
"Okay then, we're coming to Boston for the summer," and for a split, blinding second Adam hates how much Gansey likes him.  
"You don't need to."  
"I want to."  
"Gansey, really, that's a lot of money just fo-"  
"I don't care."  
"Then you're being stupid," he says, anger colouring his voice.  
"Just because you're mad at us doesn't mean you need to move," Gansey's adopted his presidential tone, one which bears no argument and it does wonders for his temper.  
"I told you it's not because of that."  
"I've not met you yesterday, Adam."

He looks at Blue, trying to gauge if she'll take his side against Gansey. All she does is raise an eyebrow at him, she knows him as well as Gansey. Ronan's not moved or said a single word.  
He feels trapped suddenly, in this small booth, in this small town with the only people in the world who actually know him. He understands Ronan a little better.

"It's not because of that," he sounds more assertive than he feels.  
"Then what?" Gansey asks and what fucking right does Gansey to ask that after lying to his face for three months.  
He looks at all of them and says , "What do I have to come back to?" and it has the desired effect- silence. Gansey leans back against his seat, mouth slightly agape. Blue can't look at him.

“You know that’s not true,” he can’t stand the concern, the flicker of pain in Gansey’s eyes.

"Well I don’t know shit nowadays. I'll see you all later," he tells them, keeps enough money for his part of the meal on the table, and leaves the restaurant.

#

"You don't fucking mean that," Ronan says as he gets into Adam's car, uninvited.  
"I'm done being told what I feel," Adam says, voice hard.  
Adam starts the car, backs out of the parking lot. He needs to go home.  
"Should I drop you off at Monmouth?"  
Ronan's eyes bore into the side of his face and he feels an intense urge to jump out of the car.

"I'm sorry. I'm so fucking sorry I left," Ronan says, uncharacteristically quiet.  
"I'm not mad that you left, I understand that."  
"Then what is it?"  
"You all lied to me, for months. You expect me to just forgive you?" His hands tighten on the steering.  
"No I don't. I'll wait as long as it takes," and there's a tug somewhere near his heart.

"Did you even miss me?" he's horrified to find himself asking, so desperate.  
"Adam," and the way Ronan says it, shocked, surprised makes Adam want t-  
"It was like being clawed apart."  
And he needs to take a deep breath, something lodges itself into the back of his throat and his eyes are wet and everything hurts.

"It wasn't easy, being alone for so long," Ronan continues.  
"You didn't have to be."  
"I had to. I had to let myself feel it. Too many distractions here"  
Adam nods. He doesn't tell Ronan how those distractions have kept him alive. He looks to his right, Ronan's head is pressed against the window, vibrating a bit as the car moves.  
"I had to stop driving so many times bevause I couldn't stop crying," and some part of Adam shatters at the thought.  
"Did it help?" he asks again because he doesn't know what to say.  
"I don’t know. There's a certain clarity in being alone. I don’t think that.. feeling ever goes away, I just need to learn to live with it."  
He's reached St. Agnes.  
He looks sideways again. Ronan looks small, vulnerable in a way Adam's only seen a few times before.  
"Do you want to come up?"

#

"So how's Harvard been?" Ronan asks as Adam unlocks the door.  
Adam gives him a look, half incredulous, half amused at Ronan's attempt at small talk.  
"Good, most of the times. One of my roommates has a dog."  
"Been to any wild parties?"  
"Actually I have," he replies. Ronan's eyebrow raises in surprise.  
"I kind of like alcohol," he says, wanting to see how Ronan will react to this admission.  
"I might weep, Parrish," he replies with a hand mockingly placed over his heart. It's weird how easily they can slip back into what they were, how easy it's always been with Ronan. He's never had to pretend.   
"I wish I'd been there," Ronan says softly, words falling from his mouth as if he didn't mean to say them. He hears Adam mutter, "You could've," under his breath.

"Tell me how many times do I need to apologise."  
"You didn't need to fucking lie."  
"How do I make you understand?" Ronan says, miserable.

Adam places both hands on his desk chair because he's suddenly so fucking tired. He doesn't deserve to be someone Ronan can't leave behind.  
"You could let go of Gansey? Blue?"  
"You know that's different."  
"I don't. Explain it."  
"I've wanted this for so fucking long you don't even know. I couldn't stand saying goodbye to you. You keep me _alive_."  
He feels Ronan move behind him, his forehead presses into Adam's shoulder.  
"What do I do?" he asks and Adam's heart seems to crack all over again.  
"I don't know," he says honestly, "I can't go through that again."  
"You won't have to."  
"How do you know that?"  
"You're gonna have to trust me."  
Adam turns around and puts his arms around Ronan. He can feel Ronan's breath against his neck, hands tightly folding over his back.

_I wish it was that easy_, he thinks to himself. For now, he allows himself to have this.

#

Gansey calls him that night.  
"I realise I never apologised to you Adam, I'm sorry," he says, voice weary. Adam can imagine him on the bathroom floor, glasses in his palm.  
"It's okay."  
"No it's not," Gansey asserts.  
"Okay, it's not, what do we do about it?"  
"We wait," Gansey says, as if it's so simple. Maybe it is.  
"We wait," Adam repeats with a sigh.  
"I really do love you, I hope you know that."  
"That's the sappiest thing you've ever said. I might throw up," Adam says trying to distract Gansey from the fact that he wants to cry.  
"It's true though. You deserve to know that."  
_I don't, not reall-_  
"You do," Gansey says again, as if he knows what's going on inside Adam's head.  
"Okay," he says, voice cracking.

#

He waits. A month, two, four. They blend together. Harvard has a way of making you forget everything in your life but exams and tests and quizzes. The part of him which longs for knowledge, for words, loves this. The other part which has to work and study, doesn't.  
He loves Economics but hates Public Policy with a passion. His favourite spot is the library because it's quiet and smells of home, in a way he can't quite explain. He gets to know his roomates better. Jenna has a tattoo above her left hip bone which says "_alive_", Peter loves books more than people and Dan calls his mom atleast once a day.

Gansey starts emailing him about the latest objects of his affection, which range from Blue's new hairstyle to Abaddon. Blue phones him every other day and tells him about every detail of her life.  
Ronan moves into the Barns. He paints a lot and sees a therapist, Adam is surprised to find. He texts Adam, at a quickly increasing frequency. Adam tells him about his day, sends him pictures of Peter's dog and receives Chainsaw's in return. Whenever Adam calls, Ronan answers and talks.  
They all facetime him when they're together and the rush of affection he feels towards them is immense. They're making an effort and no matter how angry he feels sometimes, he appreciates it.  
He has so many bad days but he finds a way to remember the good ones.

He takes home a book from Harvard's library which he knows Gansey will love. He sees such weirdly beautiful clips while walking around town he has to buy them for Blue. They're ingrained in him, no matter how far he goes or feels.  
When he goes home during a long weekend he lets himself hold Ronan's hand. Lets Ronan take him on a date. He agrees to stay at Monmouth because he needs to learn how to let things go, how to forgive.

He lets Ronan kiss him in the darkness, slope fingers down his knee and forgets how to breathe.  
When Ronan whispers three words into his ribs, Adam whispers them back.

#

* * *

**Author's Note:**

> Somehow this feels like the fic all my other fics have been leading up to. I really hope you like it. Thanks for reading.


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